So spring break is over, I spent 10 days in the Dominican Republic working at an orphanage in a poor town. It was so much fun and the most amazing experience i have had in my life. I met 30 kids who were either orphaned or abandoned yet they still had an amazing outlook on life, all they needed was to be together and have eachother to get through each day.  There was one boy Junior, who was 17 years old and came to the orphange when his mother and father both died and none of their family was able to take care of them.  He told me that through that whole time he never lost hope and that as long as he had his brother and baseball he knew that everything would turn out just fine and that once he was taken to the orphange he knew god was truly looking our for him and that he would never lost hope.  After he told me this I realized that I was the same way and that I should start looking at things more positively, not only do i still have all of my siblings, but i have an aunt who is able to care for us and keep us together and have a good life despite our loss. I realized more about myself in those 10 days than I have in the past 17 years of my life.  I realized all the things I took for granted here in the states such as the fact that I have a good education available to me, i have warm water, paved roads, electricity 24 hours a day, a car and how I am going to do whatever I can to help give these kids a better life.  I realized that if I want to do something with my life im the one that needs to do it and that I can't wait around hoping that someone else will hand it to me.  I realized how despite what i've been telling myself right now I need one person more than anything else right now and no one else will be able to replace him, he always makes things right when everything seems to be going wrong I don't know what i'll do without you next year i've taken you for granted but now i know that you truly are what keeps me sane. These last 10 days were so amazing I made so many new bonds and friendships that will last for awhile, im definitely going to be going back again, i truly believe this trip has made me a better person

And here are a couple things I have to say to the people who were there with  me: Tortuga, Pablo's an Fin G, How old I am?, jenga, estrella the pimp, chickens in the room, me talking like a man, buddy, psssst, americanos, the recess from hell, "everybody please", "No more!", "hola chicas"

Everyones been asking me how was your christmas? did you have a good birthday? well i lied to them all and told them that they were ok, but now I cant keep telling that lie, because they actually sucked. It didnt feel like christmas at all, neither of my parents were here, we didn't set up the tree or anything hoping that maybe my mom would wake up from her coma and be home with us and able to see it, but she didn't so we just left the house how it was.  We did get to spend some quality time with family and we took a much needed three day vacation up to the lake house to go skiing, which helped keep our minds off of things for awhile.  Every little thing i do or say or hear reminds me some how of my dad making me miss him more than words can describe I feel like a huge part of me is missing now that I will never get back, I will never be the same person I was when he was here I know that he would want me to move on with my life and i wish that i could but its so hard when there isnt neone to stand by my side and support me anymore. I miss my mom more and more each day as I watch her lay there lifeless in her hospital bed, I wish there was something I could do, anything at all because I know that I would in an instant, I haven't heard her sweet voice or seen her looking beautiful as she always does as each day passes I want to hug her one last time, have one last talk, spend one last day with her.  As each day passes it is one more day that I know it is less likely for her to wake up, but I haven't lost hope and I never will, my mom will get through this, she will wake up one of these days, and when she does I will be right there for her and so will the rest of my brothers and sisters, I'm kinda lost right now and if it werent for them, Alexa, justin, and Aunt Donna i would go crazy so thank you so much for those people.  So just keep my family in your prayers as much as possible because right now, we need it

heres a song that describes how I feel:

Back when I was a child, before life removed all the innocence
My father would lift me high and dance with my mother and me and then
Spin me around ‘til I fell asleep
Then up the stairs he would carry me
And I knew for sure I was loved
If I could get another chance, another walk, another dance with him
I’d play a song that would never, ever end
How I’d love, love, love
To dance with my father again
When I and my mother would disagree
To get my way, I would run from her to him
He’d make me laugh just to comfort me
Then finally make me do just what my mama said
Later that night when I was asleep
He left a dollar under my sheet
Never dreamed that he would be gone from me
If I could steal one final glance, one final step, one final dance with him
I’d play a song that would never, ever end
‘Cause I’d love, love, love
To dance with my father again
Sometimes I’d listen outside her door
And I’d hear how my mother cried for him
I pray for her even more than me
I pray for her even more than me
I know I’m praying for much too much
But could you send back the only man she loved
I know you don’t do it usually
But dear Lord she’s dying
To dance with my father again
Every night I fall asleep and this is all I ever dream

I wish i could go back to a time when i hardly cried, when ppl didn't yell as much, when i wasn't judged only  for my mistakes but for my successes, when smiling came naturally, when laughing wasn't some supernatural effort, when innocent fun was allowed, when teachers were nice,  when my every move wasn't controlled, when people didn't expect me to do everything, when i understood the line between being busy and being irresponsible, when bulls*** didn't define my life, when everyday wasn't a nightmare that i could never wake up from, when i could confide in ppl i knew loved me and recieve their support back, when i felt safe at home, when i always had somewhere to seek refuge, when i knew my place in the world, when morals made sense and lying was unthinkable, when i wasn't described as stressed or bitchy, when i didn't hide things from my family in shame, when pretending was only in games not everyday life, when i thought i could fly for all my happy moments, when the world was my adventure not my curse, when i could fall asleep to the sound of my mom and dad's voice not the cold touch of my tears...

Seriously, life frickin sucks right now im almost to the point of where i dont know what to do like seriously its so hard for me just to get through each day but at least this weekend a bunch of people come home from college, on Friday I'm goin over to Ellens house and shes having a bonfire and then on Saturday im gonna chill with the boys (Broc and the 6 foot club feat. JA)

And for real guys, wish me luck I really need it right now

I know everyones talking but no one really knows whats going on so im gonna fill you in... you know one of those "you think you know........but you have no idea" businesses.so my mom had a stroke 3 weeks ago and shes been in a coma ever since, the doctors don't know what to do.  My and the bros and siss have been staying at home with the gma, but she is kinda old and cant do too much so i have to drive them around a lot and you know basically be the mom pretty much and kassis not dealing with things very well (Which makes sense since shes 8) but anyways things are just all fed up at my house right now and then our frickin cat died on sunday night and school sucks And the frickin fact that Justin is being a big douche throughout the whole thing doesn't even help one bit.  Why cant he just realize that I already have enough frickin drama and chaos going on in my life that I don't need him adding anymore to it; seriously all I need and want right now is a friend, someone who will sit by my side and just listen to whatever i need to talk to them about just a shoulder to cry on, nothing less nothing more.  I cant take much mroe of your bullshit stop playing these immature little games with me espically at a time like this.  you know how much I like you and how I would do pretty damn close to anything for you just to make you happy just to make you smile, why can't you just give me that same happiness at a time when i need it the most, right now.

None of you know anything about whats going on right with Justin, my family, or with myself so everyone just needs to shut the hell up and stop giving me shit for crap that you don't even know a damn thing about ok?  Maybe if any of you who said you were really my friends would take the time to ask me whats really going on you would understand and I bet you would feel pretty fucking stupid for everything people have been saying lately.

p.s. this note goes out to almost every one except for three people and they know who they are so thank you so much for everything